The Plan

So I’ve not blog for a month now ‘cause I’ve feeling that I don’t have nothing to talk about, nothing worth talking has been happening in my life, but i’m focus on changing this now. Now I’ve a plan.

The Plan:

Step 1. I’ll find a job, preferable in sales, I want to develop this skill, I think that’s something worth doing and it can help me alot in the future.

Step 2. I’ll give up college… again. Economics it’s not for me, I’m not good in math and the time and energy that you would make me good on that field would be better expandable in other fields that I’m already good, like writing.

Step 3. Go to the gym everyday. Every single day I’ll workout, I want to build a nice figure so maybe I’ll be able to modeling, a lot of people already tell me that should do that but I’ve my doubts, but what’s the worst that can happening? So I’ll put the time in being more jacked in this 3 months and in the begin of 2014 find a modeling agency.

So this is basicly what I’m going to do, it’s has a lot of spaces in between what means that I have to keep focus to accomplish my goals. Today is sunday, tomorrow is the internacional day of “I’ll begin…” so I’ll honour his fame by really begin to take the steps to become who I want to become.

And there’s other things too, I’ll commit myself to blog more, not for other but for myself, to create one incentive to keep pushing forward, even if it’s to writing for the shadows of my own mind.

- G.

Super Me

It was a month ago maybe, it was before I got my fight club tattoo, yeah around that time. It was in the middle of the night, almost like right now, I was seeing some RSD videos where Tyler was talking about fighting your fears or something like that with the soundtrack of the batman movie – The Dark Knight Rises – in the background when it came, that energy, that power just came to me. I was powerful, I was capable of doing everything I wanted.

I can only trying to remember how it was, but fuck it was something I has never felt before. I was not afraid, I was limitless. If I had a hot girl in front of me I could just walk to her and tell her that I wanted to fuck her hard, choke her, getting her to suck my cock. It’s disturbing but I wanted to fight, I wanted to destroy something. I wanted to kill a baby bear with my own hands, it’s strange, but that thought crossed my mind. I wanted to hit the gym, explode this energy out of me. I even made some push ups to try to get a little of this energy out of me. I took a cold shower and we were in the winter, so was fucking cold, but for me was nothing. I could do anything.

Eventually I slept and in the next day it was gone, it was just a memory. I couldn’t trace back any of this feeling. Any of the anger that was so consuming. But I wanted back, I want the feeling of being super, of being a God.

This event keeps echoing in my mind, the thing I would be capable of doing if I could have that energy with me all times, I can only dream with that. I’m right now researching for some drugs that maybe can help like Modafinil, I want to try it, focus it’s a really big problem with me. And with college right now and my mind running with ten different ideas for short stories I can’t concentrate and just do one thing at time. I’ve 3 books here that I have not finish reading because I spent a lot of my time on the internet, I have to fix this, in fact it’s an addiction.

- G.

Midnight Thoughts

So the last couples of days I’ve been feeling bad, angry for no particular reason, maybe no particular reason. I was a little pissed off by the way B1 acted saturday, even knowing that she’ll not come talk to me, I want this deep down, no that I think she’s special or nothing like that. I guess that I like the idea of liking her, without even liking her that much? Does that makes sense? Well maybe not.

I talked with a friend about relationships and suddenly I got deep down in feelings I didn’t talk for some time, I started talk about my ex and my feelings about relationships with girls. Right now I’m incapable of really connect with any girl, I mean the only ones that I had I keep myself distant, always afraid of losing them by being more passionate, I’m not saying needy, but how can I keep a girl, even without have nothing serious, and at the same time being complete distant? I don’t call them out, I don’t talk when I want to talk ‘cause I’m always afraid of being too needy, afraid of losing them If I show that I like them.

More in that is the fact that have not forgive myself for losing my ex. She used to love me so much and I let this love die. She was a keeper, even with the fights, she was a keeper. I’m living in a mental state of scarcity, thinking deep in my mind that I lose the only decent girl in the earth. I thought B1 was decent, well… not so much!

Most of the time I’m capable of wear a mask of constant happiness with my life, but somedays I just can’t and fall in a depression state, feeling like my life is great shit and that will never be happy.  In theory I know that’s bullshit, but sometimes I feel trapped inside this emotions. I really think that I’m addicted to some kind of sadness, for more strange that this could sound, I think I like to be sad sometimes, even knowing that this is destructive.

I also know that maybe most of my problems could be handle with me approaching more, but I’m so pussy that I don’t do that.

- G.

Interesting night out

So last night was interesting. I’m out with some friends, the girl from the previous posts is there, I tease her a little, give her little attention nothing much. We go in the club, spend some time dancing then I kiss her, we kiss two times. Some time is past, she’s drunk, she hook up with another guy right in front of me. Well, no anger, no bitterness, just awareness of the type of girl that I’m dealing with. So knowing that I get another girl, in reality better kisser and very much more reciprocate than the other, asking me question, really interested in who I’m. The previous girl, let’s call her, B1. She start to make out with other guys, two that I saw, that’s ok, no problems, I was very happy with my girl, let’s call her B2. The night is passing by, eventually we talk, me and B1, she’s very jealous of B2. Like that was something that I would not expect, right? She even call me an asshole for kiss another girl in front of her. Fuck her.  We leave the club, me and friends she’s with us, give me so much signals that wants me, she’s like very close to me, talk bad stuff about the girl that I got, I’m just laughing. I grab her hair, put my mouth really close to her and say:

“Tell me that you’re jealous”.

“I’m not”.

“Tell me that you’re jealous”. I have to repeat that more two times, my lips very closer to hers. And she says, I look to her and push her a little, leaving her.

Me, my two friends and her leave in a cab, in there she’s sitting in my lap trying to kiss me very hard, I’m making her bag, making difficult to her to kiss me. She make out with other dudes and now want me? And think that I will be that easy? She disrespected me, it all about have standarts. I left the cab and pay may share, I’m sleeping in a friends house, half hour later she’s texting me apologizing for her behavior, I don’t text back, at least until ten hours later, we talk but that was it. She keeps apologizing I say that’s ok, for me doesn’t matter anymore. She acted like a slut, she get treated like a slut.

Got the phone of B2, don’t know if I’ll text. Maybe not. Tomorrow my college starts again, maybe time to do some yadstops. World of abundance.

B1 = Brunette 1

B2 = Brunette 2

- G.

Breaking Bad captures my feeling.

“When I discovered I had cancer, I thought why me? So when I get the good news… I had the same thought”

Breaking Bad it’s a tv show about a older man who discovers that have only few months to live, knowing that he decides to become a drug dealer in order to make money and guard his family after his death.  As the show goes we see the transformation between the old Walt and the new Walt, how a man who was almost all the time ashamed for being who he is become a much stronger man. And yet the quote talk about the good news, the good news was that the cancer was being cured.

It’s not strange? When facing death he was liberated, he was fearless and powerful. Once he had the news that he might not die, the whole situation changes, know he is thinking: “why me?”. Why he’s alive? Why my life it’s worth living? That’s the greatest question isn’t it?

I get the same feeling, more than that, sometimes I wish I was dieing. I wish I could be face to face to death, to truly realise what’s being alive means. To liberate myself of my fears, my hopes, my dreams, everything. To become someone who’s truly disattached of expectations. I understand Walt, sometimes I wish I could be him. In fact maybe I’m weak just praying for something out of me push myself to awakening, waiting for external factors being the spark who’s going to set the fire in motion inside me. In the series Walt is 50 when the whole thing happened, will I wait all this time?

- G.

How I almost got stabbed by somebody’s boyfriend

So here I’m sitting in the hallway surrounded by darkness, my head hurts, and there’s only one phrase that keeps coming to my mind: hypergamy doesn’t care.

Hypergamy doesn’t care if your boyfriend bought all the drinks and nobody pay; hypergamy doesn’t care if your boyfriend is in the same house that you’re; ‘cause hypergame wants the best. So that what happens, she can blame the alcohol all she wants, but I do know that she wanted me. So we hook up, and against all the chances in the world, who you guess that saw us? Yes, her boyfriend. So now I’m dodging of punches and hearing screams, tears, she saying that she loves him and other guys trying to hold him and take the knife of his hands. He’s full of anger, he wants to kill me, well can’t blame him, wouldn’t do the same, but I understand.

Eventually he leaves, I stay, the party is over of course and all I want is to go home. She’s drunk and suicidal, some girls stay with her, my friend leaves with me. Out of the house we start to laugh really hard, that was epic. But I’ll never do that again.

- G.

Where I feeling I’m getting wrong with that girl

V. Adhere to the golden ratio

Give your woman 2/3 of everything she gives you. For every three calls or texts, give her two back. Three declarations of love earn two in return. Three gifts; two nights out. Give her two displays of affection and stop until she has answered with three more. When she speaks, you reply with fewer words. When she emotes, you emote less. The idea behind the golden ratio is twofold — it establishes your greater value by making her chase you, and it demonstrates that you have the self-restraint to avoid getting swept up in her personal dramas. Refraining from reciprocating everything she does for you in equal measure instills in her the proper attitude of belief in your higher status. In her deepest loins it is what she truly wants.

 

“making her chase you”. Well is here where I’m falling, right now it’s me who are chasing her. I’ve start conversations, call her to hang out, where she’s receptive but do not make any moves to keep things going forward. Or maybe I’m just overanalysing things, what do I expected her to come talk to me every single day? Fall in my arms and ask to be mine? I know that’s not how is going to work.

- G.